2015 Jul 05: Annie: Aspergers – My feelings

Confusion by Lichtmann-hh | Source: deviantart.com
Confusion by Lichtmann-hh | Source: deviantart.com

This post by Annie describes perfectly how my life was before medication. The past five years, have brought amazing changes to my life and that is due to the right combination of medicines. Annie’s post helped me see how the symptoms I that are part of my life are also part of my aspergers/autism-depression combo (learned two years ago that I was one). People who post how the inside of their heads work are an aid in understanding myself.

The trouble with autism/aspergers is that often we struggle to recognize emotions, often we outwardly display common signs, and will even wonder aloud, “why is everything so irritating? Why am I so on edge? I don’t know why I feel so irritable about everything, I can’t pinpoint a reason why, I have no patience for anything.” Not realizing the power of the emotional storm surging underneath. We become more aspie in a way, displaying flat emotional reactions, and even a perceived general disinterest in others, or even a feigned interest because that is all we ‘can’ do in that moment because anything else will send us over the edge. Stress, even over little things that may seem like nothing, is enough to shut us down completely. Verbally silent and unresponsive, it takes every effort just to mutter the words, “I can’t right now.” Feeling exhausted, yet charged with emotions, every sound is a jab, yet a distant fog. It hurts, like a slice deep into the soul.

Depression, it sneaks up on us, usually from doing too much and feeling overwhelmed, combined with feeling like we are not doing enough. Feeling maxed out, and yet not wanting to let anyone down. Doing our best, but failing to meet even our own expectations because we simply can’t ‘do it all’, as much as we really do want to. Trying to take some downtime and feeling guilty all the while. That’s not downtime at all. Constantly riddled with anxiety, social anxiety, anxiety about food, about routine and breaking out of routine. Anxiety about unexpected changes in plans with no time to mentally prepare for it. It’s exhausting. Yet, we are extremely resilient. We take the emotional roller coaster in stride because this is everyday life for us.

We get knocked down and bounce back time and time again because what else is there to do? Sometimes we get knocked down a little longer than usual, and sometimes we need help to get out of the hole we managed to get stuck in, without even knowing how or when we got in that hole. Sometimes we don’t even know that we are in a hole at all. Add social order to everything, trying to navigate relationships and all of those subtle and confusing social rules, it’s difficult and a lot of pressure. We sigh in relief when we finally find someone who allows us to be our true selves, when we can relax and just be. But, that never seems to last long…………

Please read the rest of the post at Beautiful Random Thoughts


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